I sit here, at 11:50 p.m., to type for the first time in a while. A LONG while. It is so strange staring into this digital abyss called the internet and finding things to do on it. You see, my life is without much substance right now. Whether or not that is my exact fault or not who knows. (I am partially blaming it on being in my 20s and trying to figure out this whole adulting thing.) I spend most of my free time on the interwebs, scrolling through pages of updates that, for the most part, I end up not caring about. Occasionally I brush up on my Spanish skills or watch YouTube videos. But I still have this nagging feeling like I am not living up to my potential as a person or that there is more for me in this life than work and wasting away on social media.
Call me a millennial or an optimist or whatever but this is not where I expected to be a year removed from college graduation. I figured that somehow magically I would have a job in the career field that I majored in (I even double majored!) and that I wouldn't have to scrape by to exist. This past year I have been living with my parents and working in retail. I have applied for plenty of jobs in my field and always get the "You're a great candidate but no thanks," type of response. So now, whether it is a smart decision or not, I am moving. I am taking a leap. I am at least trying to change something in my life and have some control over this "progress" I feel I should be making as a college graduate. This move is only happening because I transferred stores. I'm thankful for that. But I don't know how much longer I can work retail or even be in jobs that are hard to make a livable wage off of. I want a salaried position. I want to be able to pay all my bills and still have savings. I want a job in my career field.
I know, I know. What has this post turned into? A rant apparently. With not much in the way of solutions. And lots of different tracks to follow. Bleh.
A part of me is so excited to move, for the change of scenery, and new way of life but a lot of me is really nervous right now. The transfer promised less hours on average than I was hoping, rent was higher than I was hoping, and doubt is setting in. Questions have bombarded my head like, "Am I moving for the right reasons? Is this really feasible? Is this smart? Will I make it? CAN I make it? Should I have just called off the transfer and stayed with my parents?" While most of the answers for these questions change on a daily, if not hourly, basis there is one that has not changed. I can't live with my family any longer! I am so tired of being an adult but not being treated like one, of being a sit-in nanny for free, of all the yelling and fighting, and not being able to just do my own thing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still had a spot in this house right after college since I didn't get a job and whatnot for several months. I am also thankful that my parents allowed me to live here rent free. All I had to pay for was my own bills like student loans, car payment, etc. That was really nice and allowed me to save up a decent amount of money. But now that I am moving out and adding yet another bill (an even more expensive one, mind you) to my stack to pay every month, I need more hours just to get by.
See, this is why all these thoughts swirled into my head about moving. Is this what post-grad life is truly like? Did I get the bad end of the proverbial stick in life? Are things going to turn around? I sure hope so.
After AAAALLLLL this, I just pray that the right doors open for me and that all this anxiety can be soothed some more. Lord, guide me and ignite my passions again because you know I need it.
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