In Retrospect

I sit here, at 11:50 p.m., to type for the first time in a while. A LONG while. It is so strange staring into this digital abyss called the internet and finding things to do on it. You see, my life is without much substance right now. Whether or not that is my exact fault or not who knows. (I am partially blaming it on being in my 20s and trying to figure out this whole adulting thing.) I spend most of my free time on the interwebs, scrolling through pages of updates that, for the most part, I end up not caring about. Occasionally I brush up on my Spanish skills or watch YouTube videos. But I still have this nagging feeling like I am not living up to my potential as a person or that there is more for me in this life than work and wasting away on social media.

Call me a millennial or an optimist or whatever but this is not where I expected to be a year removed from college graduation. I figured that somehow magically I would have a job in the career field that I majored in (I even double majored!) and that I wouldn't have to scrape by to exist. This past year I have been living with my parents and working in retail. I have applied for plenty of jobs in my field and always get the "You're a great candidate but no thanks," type of response. So now, whether it is a smart decision or not, I am moving. I am taking a leap. I am at least trying to change something in my life and have some control over this "progress" I feel I should be making as a college graduate. This move is only happening because I transferred stores. I'm thankful for that. But I don't know how much longer I can work retail or even be in jobs that are hard to make a livable wage off of. I want a salaried position. I want to be able to pay all my bills and still have savings. I want a job in my career field.

I know, I know. What has this post turned into? A rant apparently. With not much in the way of solutions. And lots of different tracks to follow. Bleh.

A part of me is so excited to move, for the change of scenery, and new way of life but a lot of me is really nervous right now. The transfer promised less hours on average than I was hoping, rent was higher than I was hoping, and doubt is setting in. Questions have bombarded my head like, "Am I moving for the right reasons? Is this really feasible? Is this smart? Will I make it? CAN I make it? Should I have just called off the transfer and stayed with my parents?" While most of the answers for these questions change on a daily, if not hourly, basis there is one that has not changed. I can't live with my family any longer! I am so tired of being an adult but not being treated like one, of being a sit-in nanny for free, of all the yelling and fighting, and not being able to just do my own thing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still had a spot in this house right after college since I didn't get a job and whatnot for several months. I am also thankful that my parents allowed me to live here rent free. All I had to pay for was my own bills like student loans, car payment, etc. That was really nice and allowed me to save up a decent amount of money. But now that I am moving out and adding yet another bill (an even more expensive one, mind you) to my stack to pay every month, I need more hours just to get by.

See, this is why all these thoughts swirled into my head about moving. Is this what post-grad life is truly like? Did I get the bad end of the proverbial stick in life? Are things going to turn around? I sure hope so.

After AAAALLLLL this, I just pray that the right doors open for me and that all this anxiety can be soothed some more. Lord, guide me and ignite my passions again because you know I need it.

The Art of Happiness - Gratitude

So I watched this video on YouTube today that got me thinking. It is a video by the fantastic channel, SoulPancake, about happiness. Yes, it is that simple. Happiness. You can watch it below.



The idea of gratefulness is not something that I act upon often but watching this video not only made me want to tell one person how I am grateful for them but every single person that I am grateful for. There are plenty of people, some that I call friends and some that I call family, that have blessed my life and have been there for me in some of my toughest times. As well as my God, who is all loving and forever forgiving, who has given me a life and a purpose. I often forget and take for granted how much each has affected me in such a tremendous way. I plan on doing what the video suggests but for more than one person. My plan is to write a paragraph for every friend/family member that has touched my life and has blessed me. To get things started off though, I will start with a blanket letter to cover everyone who has affected me.

Dear _____,

I am sincerely grateful for the time we spent together through my life. We may no longer be close as we once were but I look back at memories and I am glad that you were a part of my life. There was a reason you were there and there is plenty of time left for us to reconnect (hopefully). Whether you listened to me at key moments of my life and helped me get through some tough situations, included me in yours or both, I am who I am today because you were there when I needed you most. I hope that life is treating you well and that you have the support that everyone deserves. If you are reading this and you don't, I am there for you.

Thanks for everything and God Bless,
- Cody

Anything Could Happen

It is winter break, the grade reports have been released, and I am home. This break could have not been more necessary than turkey on Thanksgiving. It needed to happen and I am glad that it did. The semester of non-stop working (whether in the Art Building or in Admissions) had worn me down to a small nub of a person. I had no social life, no will to continue on with school work, and definitely a lack of patience the closer it got to the end of the semester. On top of that I got mostly B's this semester and that did not help my GPA at all. I realize that there was more I could have done for a couple of my classes that would have gave them the grade boost I needed but at the time I decided against doing what I know I should have done for sleep and a social life. For instance in Theatre History 1, I could have easily read the plays that we were supposed to and got better grades on the quizzes for them. I also could have perhaps worked more on my final paper and presentation for Theatre History 1, that definitely wouldn't have been a bad idea. For Intro to Computer Graphics I could have thought more about the tape I was using for the final presentation and gotten a much better grade than I did. As for Painting I, I would be surprised if more than two people got an A in that class. I worked so hard for that class until I just could not stand seeing the paintings anymore. Regardless of my final grades, I learned so much this semester and probably have received some of the best education that I could possibly imagine from Sterling College. Also, I remind myself that there is always next semester. Hopefully, next semester will be easier as well, that wouldn't hurt my feelings.
This was a semester filled with fun, friends, and soul searching. The fun more so towards the beginning of the semester, friends making a tighter bond at the end of the semester, and soul searching throughout. For the better part of the semester, when I had no social life really, there was a lot of life questions running through my head mostly about the friends I had made at Sterling and how none of them had really cared about me and through God's grace I found that more people than I thought truly did care about me. I finally found friends who will text me occasionally just to see how things are doing and to hang out. The sensation is overwhelming to say the least. Something I have searched for practically my whole life is finally panning out before my eyes. It is great to finally know that I have friends that I can turn to about pretty much anything going on in my life. This is where I end by saying that anything could happen in my life right now and it looks to me that it is going to be a bright future someday.

School: An Update

This school year so far has been ridiculously busy for me. I am not so much here to complain about that because I wouldn't want it any other way even when sometimes I feel it is too much and I become overwhelmed with it all. I am only taking 16 credit hours but 4 of my 6 classes are time intensive and I find myself completing various bits of homework throughout the day and well into the night during most of my typical week. This homework usually places me in the Art & Design building until the wee hours of the morning. Either I am painting or working on my computer graphics homework. I much prefer the homework I am receiving from my computer graphics class well over my painting class because it is something I can do well and in a considerably faster period of time while also not messing up my clothes and getting paint on them! Good thing I have stain remover ;) haha Painting has been a struggle for me and has presented me with a lot of various issues. Mostly it has been about finding the time and being willing to complete the painting even though I do not enjoy painting. It is not my particular area of art and I get it all over myself. I will say though I can now build a canvas on my own. That is pretty neat. Also, I am really excited for this next painting. We are working with indirect painting methods and glazing techniques. This style of painting actually interests me and I cannot wait to see how my cow skull turns out. In my computer graphics class, we are working on a false reality. I finally get to learn how to make places like they do on film sets! It is great to be able to see this process and work on a place that I can call my very own.
I, also, am working double time in Admissions this year as a telecounselor and ambassador! So far both have been going great. I have had great conversations with some people interested in Sterling and that is somewhat surprising for it being this early in the school year. On top of my jobs in Admissions, I am working in the Costume Shop at the theatre to complete my Costume/Makeup Lab. That has been interesting and has led to many interesting surprises. Not all of them pleasant as I have stumbled upon many boxes full of pretty much mold. There have been about 7 or 8 loads  of  "hats" already taken out of the Closet to Nowhere and there is still about two-thirds of that floor to complete. It has been a time consuming task but I am seeing results and it is comforting to know I am helping my theatre becoming what it needs to be - professional not just a hoard. As Megan always says, "if it isn't functional, get rid of it." We obviously cannot keep everything ever! That is just absurd. So it is nice to finally see change coming all around in that theatre.
While I received a lot of rejection at the beginning of this year and am still dealing with some of it on my own, I am very happy with the way that this school year is going so far and I cannot wait to see what my future holds. Maybe someday soon I can find the alusive "best friend" and even more so alusive "girlfriend" that have been just out of my reach for so long. Only time can tell.

The Question of Friendship.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what constitutes a best friend. I have never felt like I have had one since I was a kid and back then the meaning of a best friend was different. A best friend from childhood typically lives in the same neighborhood and plays games with you. They don't necessarily have any attachment to you or you to them, just another kid to play with that you see the most. In middle school, my childhood best friend moved away and we went down completely different tracks in life and I could never find a replacement or someone that I thought was treating me like their best friend. I mean, sure, I had friends that I spent a lot of time with and we have lots of fun but most of those friends are girls and it is a lot different to have another guy to talk to then a bunch of girls. Since college has started I met a lot of great guys that I could see being my best friend but it seems we will only ever be just friends. In this sense it seems like I am searching for a relationship and just like I can't find that one girl I want to date, I can't seem to find that guy to call my best friend. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places or maybe I am overlooking someone who considers me their best friend. It just seems like I try so hard and I give 100% to all my friends in some sort of hope to have that connection with that one person. A person I can tell everything to and they can tell me everything to. But really what am I looking for in a best friend... someone who texts me, invites me to events, is interested in my life, loves the same things, or even just simply wants to hang out? How about all of the above...

People never text me, granted I never really text people either and it is a little one-sided of me to expect them to text me and I never text them but if they text me often, I will know to text them more than never.

It always seems for events and that sort of matter I am usually never thought of and hear about all the fun things that people did without me the next day. The days that I am remembered, it is more along the lines of, "Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh you can come to..... I guess." It almost seems as though I am the pity invite of groups everywhere. Last year I got to a point where there was a group but they have seemingly gone without me for awhile now.

For interested in my life,  I mean I have plenty of friends who know the basic stuff about me and not much more. I want that one friend who wants to know everything about me and wants to share that bond of knowledge. I don't think there has been one friend in my life that knows more about me than anyone else. On the same sort of note, if we had a lot in common that would only add to the friendship. I have never been able to share all of my interests with one person and have something major in common.

The final part is hanging out. Not just some of the times that they hang out with people will they choose me. I want to be someone's number one choice. Right now it seems I am no one's choice but am simply an addition to who they really want to hang out with.

The weirdest thing about compiling all of this and writing it out made me realize this is also what I expect of a girlfriend, certain things excluded of course. Maybe I have too high of expectations. I just hope that I find someone (of the male gender) to call my best friend (already have the girls covered well over). I also wouldn't mind a girlfriend....

YouTube & Oppurtunity

YouTube has informed me that two of my videos are apparently not up for monetization because they are questionable if they are mine. I am not sure how I am suppose to support the fact that they are completely and 100% mine. They don't even contain anything remotely questionable. They came straight from the device I recorded them on to my computer. They contain nothing from a movie or television show. They contain no music (of any sort). They contain no graphics or pictures. They definitely don't contain anything about a video game or anything along those lines. It is just strange how they ever questioned them in the first place. Now, I am waiting on YouTube to see if they will change their minds about my channel's videos. If  you, the reader, would like to check these videos (The BWP - Campus High Thespian Edition & Kacie Being Creepy)  and tell me what you think or any of my other videos, here is my URL: http://www.youtube.com/user/codegreen04

On a completely different note, I was just called by my Sunday School teacher and I was asked to teach the class for when he will be gone (next Sunday). I am just so unsure about this offer. I have no confidence in my teaching ability or even my ability to lead a simple discussion. The reason he said that he called me was because he was looking for a reliable person who is on time and comes on a weekly basis. While I am all of those things, I still don't even have the book that we are discussing in class, Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I just don't know what to do.

Finally Done!

It may have taken close to a period of two years but I finally got all the letters done! Reading through some of the older ones I already see how much things have changed. I also feel like rewriting some of them but for now I will leave them alone. Maybe I will get around to doing them all over again haha (just not anytime soon).